"because some things break before they bend"I woke up tired today. I spent all night, it seemed like, trying to get you to change your ways. But I think I've had enough of regretting the past. Now I just miss you, just as you were. I just miss knowing you.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
This was a strange one. My son was back with us even though he is dead, but not as a ghost or a zombie, but for real, only as a child and temporarily. That was understood, that it was a temporary reprieve from death. Still, it wasn't desperate or sad. Isn't this how it really is? We're living on borrowed time. If only we knew it with certainty. I knew it in the dream.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
"marching in a slow paradeIt has been a while since I couldn't sleep for terror. This is my life? Everything I've loved shattered, my very identity destroyed, and the pain, the pain and the guilt. You deceived me so well. Why did I let myself be deceived? I had warnings, I had chances - I should have been a despot, I should have raged, not been complicit in your self-destruction. You were right about me. I lived in denial. You told me explicitly and yet I continued for another three weeks. Until it was too late.
there are ashes where you laid
and sometimes i don't mind at all
and sometimes head against the wall" ~ A.A. Bondy
You must have had a scare to talk like that. I warned you about taking things to sleep, but I should have flown over there and yanked them from your hands and yanked you out of there and held you while I could. You were a big man, but you were still my baby. I should have held you. I didn't use my own power. I let you go. How can I live with that? How can I sleep? Who am I if not your mother?