the new normal

There are days like this - I've slept through the night, nothing aches, I don't have to do anything, there is a blooming tree outside my window, there is no discomfort in existing.  Yet the center of my existence is gone.  I'm like those people who lose their vision and can only see out of the periphery of their eye.  That is the best I can do.  This is the new high.  I can only live life on the edges.  My center is gone. 

stuff

Had a breakdown today, caused by - yes, stuff. 

I often have the same thought, when I'm handling some random object, usually in the kitchen - that this was around while he was alive.  That's not unusual, of course - most things predate his death, which was only 18 months ago.  But the thought persists.  Sometimes I think: I didn't have this while he was still alive, or: he hasn't seen me in this. 

But today was different.  I was just about to do yoga and was looking around the room, which was not very tidy and had all these objects strewn on the dresser - multiples of each - scarves, hats, and sneakers on the floor.  And I thought - why is this stuff still around, and he's not.  I mean it's not even his stuff.  But somehow it irks me that my money has gone to all these stupid objects, which will exist forever, and he does not.  And all my money couldn't save him.