1) 10 p.m. - the time I feel I can legitimately go to sleep. It's crept back from 10:30. It sometimes backfires when I wake up before my alarm goes off in the morning. Any night that I don't stay awake for an hour or two in the middle of the night after waking up with a pain in my guts or chest (I wonder why it varies between the two) is a success. I still don't dream about him. Very different from when my mother died 11 years ago. I would dream that she is there, but yet know she's dead, and I'd desperately try to reconcile the two. The difference is I watched her die and felt sorry for her, because she felt sorry for herself. In the dream I would know that she couldn't survive and that I would have to relive her death again - heartbreaking. Maybe because he didn't know he was dying, I don't have the same kind of dreams now. But I also don't have the comfort of 'being with him' in my dreams, except for one time, early on, when I dreamed we were walking along a scary cliff together holding hands, and the dream ended as I turned and kissed his shoulder. I guess that was goodbye. In those days I felt his presence intensely. I think it's a defense mechanism we have - goes along with the myth of the spirit staying around for 40 days. I think it lasted about that long. Now, I'm constantly aware of his absence. When I sometimes feel for a second an animal optimism of being in my body, it is immediately crushed in the next moment by the thought that what's the point when 'that' happened. I also think of this horrible year ending, but can't find any comfort, because 'that' cannot be undone.
2) my mid-morning cigarette
3) my after-work drink
That's about it.
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