I am so grateful to have your words. Some of them are the best and truest things I've read, ever. I love the technology that has allowed me this glimpse into you - smartphone, Facebook.
I never knew we were so alike. Though it figures - a misfit will beget a misfit. This line, especially struck me:
"I'm too judgemental for a real relationship. I always think people should be harder on themeselves than they are."
But I'm so glad you had someone to say it to. And to see your growing self-awareness:
"the things we hate in others we learn to recognize from ourselves first. its nice being a little bit more enlightened but it sucks to have to go back and undo soooo many mistakes. I feel like i have maxed out all my existential credit cards. Its like living on bread and water my greatest achievements involve not fucking up that day."
"'We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget' joan didion"
It used to drive me crazy when you would write off the past with a simple 'but I'm not like that anymore.' I'm glad you came to see that it's not that easy. Our actions define us, not our intentions, or our words. I feel all the weight of that judgment now. How I wish I had dropped everything and flown to you when I realized you were alone and lost. I offered to come for your birthday, and though you dismissed it, you mentioned it to someone, so you were not averse to the idea. Instead, I mourned you on your birthday. The birthday party you never had as an adult. I wish I had celebrated you more.