grief doesn't cover it

I'm supposed to be bereaved and going through grief. I know what that is like and this is so much more.  I wake up every morning with a hole in my center.  I wake up in pain.  I know that I'm a failure from that first moment of the day.  Because I created something beautiful and it couldn't thrive.  Every decision I made was wrong.  It's different when disease or pure accident takes someone.  It's still unfair.  There is still enough blame to go around, but this is different.  This is failure at the core. 

no solution

"Her life has no solution.  It is like a crime that cannot be undone."

~ James Salter, A Sport and a Pastime

his last email

I must have seen it before, but today I looked it up and saw that it was to someone he had recently met, giving him links on advice for a Paleo diet.  He sent it while he was waiting for his girl to respond to his text, but she had fallen asleep.

As much as I sometimes think it was inevitable, this reminds me of how stupidly accidental his death was.  A chemical quirk.  His last text was "Did you fall asleep?"

I cried today.  It's getting too hard.  My pains last night wouldn't go away after the spasm subsided, my stomach continued to hurt.  I miss him so much that nothing else is worth it.  Not that there is anything else.

time

Time doesn't heal.  Hope does.  And I have none.  What time does is make the pain ordinary.  It is now expected, if not welcome.  I can almost make it appear on command.  It's not tears, though.  Someone asked me if I cry a lot.  Almost never.  That is a sort of indication of what I have come to bear.  No, I don't cry, I just spasm with pain and wait until it dissipates.  Lately, it's been accompanied occasionally by hot flashes.  That may be just menopause coming on.  That doesn't make me sad.  In fact, my vitality makes me sad.  I can't wait for it to go.  I can't wait for that final moment when I realize - this is it, this is all of it, there will be pain no more.